Sleep with Larry Miller

Irwin’s Not Dead! (He’s Just Taking a Break.)

Several weeks ago it was reported on various sites on the web that actor Jeff Goldblum had fallen off a cliff in New Zealand. I was quite upset since I really liked the depth and range of his acting in “The Fly”.

Then, days later I read that Harrison Ford went missing from his yacht and Matt Damon had died in a car crash. … A day later, it was reported that Tom Green’s odd life had somehow come to an end. I was stunned. What was happening in the world of celebrity? Some of our most talented performers, and Tom Green, were being stricken down in their prime!

Well guess what? These reported deaths were all hoaxes perpetrated by pranksters on a website — fakeawish.com. What kind of kicks anyone could get by fabricating the death of a celebrity is completely lost on me.

And then it happened!

It started as a rumor, then a series of emails, and then a frantic phone call from a relative… Was it true? Was Irwin my accountant really dead? I immediately called to see if he was in fact okay and Irwin, shocked by the news of his untimely death, scolded me for disturbing him while he was watching “MythBusters” on the Discovery Channel.

So how did this awful rumor get started?

I’m guessing it began when my new television and radio spots began airing without my ever present and loyal accountant haranguing me. These new commercials are intended to educate everyone about the importance of sleep to your health, so I figured we could give Irwin a little well-deserved rest. I thought he could take the missus away for a brief vacation and return refreshed and revitalized and ready to threaten me with renewed annoyance and irritation.

I never in my wildest dreams suspected that Irwin’s brief disappearance from my ads would result in his becoming part of the ranks of the faux celebrity death pool. To the legion of concerned Irwin fans, I am happy to announce that Irwin is very much alive, rested and ready to step back into the recording studio after a brief hiatus to pronounce that I, Larry Miller, am killing him!